Thursday, September 13, 2007

How I became a quitter

It’s kind of funny how it happened. I saw someone walking around with the life I’d wanted. She was doing all the things I had thought I wanted to do, and was hanging out with the semi-famous people I’d always wanted to meet. For several hours, I couldn’t work, I could barely breathe. All I could do was look for more and more evidence I’d somehow landed in the wrong life. The person in question is a regular reader of this blog, someone I’d come to see as a friend. I didn’t know she had this life, the one I had once expected to be mine. In a matter of seconds, I had gone from a reasonably happy person certain I’d finally found my place in the world to a total wreck, filled with envy and regret. I had clearly wasted my life.

What happened during those hours yesterday morning and into the afternoon was that I didn’t get my work done. Now I have more than I can finish today. A beautiful late summer/early fall day passed by with barely a nod from me. I forgot, just briefly, how to appreciate the many worthwhile, even perfect things that surround me. I also decided that writing Asperger Square 8 was a big waste of time. I quit this blog.

Returning to my senses, I realized once again what a gift acceptance is. Rarely do I take these vacations from reality, bitterly rejecting the truth of my existence, cursing myself for not having been otherwise, squandering the energy I need for useful work, blaming the universe for not having delivered everything in just the sizes, styles and colors I had ordered. I wasn’t wishing to be non-autistic, but I might as well have been. Some twist of fate or some personal defect had to be blamed. Blamed for what? I had only imagined that anything was wrong.


  1. Bev. I'm so glad you came to your senses. I would miss your writing and images . so right on. so gut-wrenching at times (like today). anyway, thank you for being here.

  2. Well, I've only been reading your blog for a short while now but I am really glad you didn't quit writing it. I find your writing very insightful and easy to read.

  3. I know I don't comment much but I am also glad you are continuing to blog. Would be a major loss if you didn't.

  4. Glad you're back and in a better frame of mind. I was in one of those moods yesterday, too. I found out that an 18-year-old kid, who just got his first job, was earning almost as much per hour as I do.

    Usually I like my work, and it is very well suited to my particular skill set. The pay leaves much to be desired, though, and I was sulking about being a lowly drone instead of a chief of industry, etc.

    The kid in question lives in another part of the country, where the cost of living is much higher, so it's really not as much of a cosmic unfairness as it seemed at first.

    I went for a bike ride after work today and enjoyed the late summer weather...

  5. Wow, Bev,

    whoever you were envious of couldn't do what you do. I think your bloggin is profound and hysterically funny, sometimes one or the other, sometimes both simultaneously.

    whoever it was should be secretly jealous of your talent and your mind.

    But I understand what you felt. I've had weeks at a time ruined by depression that came up and smacked in the head like a two-by-four out of nowhere... and almost always because I realized what someone else had that "should have been mine". Not that I wanted to take something from them, but I should have it, too.

    The universe didn't agree for some reason.

    I still deal with this, feeling cheated, sometimes. But I suppose there are people who might want what I have and be jealous... which would be dumb, because my life is a full of problems, not just fun stuff.

  6. I to am glad you havent quit your blog.
    You would be missed by many, and us parents still have so much to learn.

  7. Thank you all for the kind words. I was just being a brat when I quit for all of an hour or so. One more lesson in acceptance for me. I can never have too many.

  8. You say "acceptance" as though you're settling for something.

    Try "celebration". The work you're doing and the life you're living is certainly worthy of it.

  9. Beg pardon. *are* certainly worthy of it.

  10. And here I am, methodically reading your blog, still almost 8 years behind! lol

    It's somethng I look forward to every day. :-)

    You may think it's old news, but it new to me.


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