Thursday, September 13, 2007

How I became a quitter

It’s kind of funny how it happened. I saw someone walking around with the life I’d wanted. She was doing all the things I had thought I wanted to do, and was hanging out with the semi-famous people I’d always wanted to meet. For several hours, I couldn’t work, I could barely breathe. All I could do was look for more and more evidence I’d somehow landed in the wrong life. The person in question is a regular reader of this blog, someone I’d come to see as a friend. I didn’t know she had this life, the one I had once expected to be mine. In a matter of seconds, I had gone from a reasonably happy person certain I’d finally found my place in the world to a total wreck, filled with envy and regret. I had clearly wasted my life.

What happened during those hours yesterday morning and into the afternoon was that I didn’t get my work done. Now I have more than I can finish today. A beautiful late summer/early fall day passed by with barely a nod from me. I forgot, just briefly, how to appreciate the many worthwhile, even perfect things that surround me. I also decided that writing Asperger Square 8 was a big waste of time. I quit this blog.

Returning to my senses, I realized once again what a gift acceptance is. Rarely do I take these vacations from reality, bitterly rejecting the truth of my existence, cursing myself for not having been otherwise, squandering the energy I need for useful work, blaming the universe for not having delivered everything in just the sizes, styles and colors I had ordered. I wasn’t wishing to be non-autistic, but I might as well have been. Some twist of fate or some personal defect had to be blamed. Blamed for what? I had only imagined that anything was wrong.

10 comments:

  1. Bev. I'm so glad you came to your senses. I would miss your writing and images . so right on. so gut-wrenching at times (like today). anyway, thank you for being here.

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  2. Well, I've only been reading your blog for a short while now but I am really glad you didn't quit writing it. I find your writing very insightful and easy to read.

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  3. I know I don't comment much but I am also glad you are continuing to blog. Would be a major loss if you didn't.

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  4. Glad you're back and in a better frame of mind. I was in one of those moods yesterday, too. I found out that an 18-year-old kid, who just got his first job, was earning almost as much per hour as I do.

    Usually I like my work, and it is very well suited to my particular skill set. The pay leaves much to be desired, though, and I was sulking about being a lowly drone instead of a chief of industry, etc.

    The kid in question lives in another part of the country, where the cost of living is much higher, so it's really not as much of a cosmic unfairness as it seemed at first.

    I went for a bike ride after work today and enjoyed the late summer weather...

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  5. Wow, Bev,

    whoever you were envious of couldn't do what you do. I think your bloggin is profound and hysterically funny, sometimes one or the other, sometimes both simultaneously.

    whoever it was should be secretly jealous of your talent and your mind.

    But I understand what you felt. I've had weeks at a time ruined by depression that came up and smacked in the head like a two-by-four out of nowhere... and almost always because I realized what someone else had that "should have been mine". Not that I wanted to take something from them, but I should have it, too.

    The universe didn't agree for some reason.

    I still deal with this, feeling cheated, sometimes. But I suppose there are people who might want what I have and be jealous... which would be dumb, because my life is a full of problems, not just fun stuff.

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  6. I to am glad you havent quit your blog.
    You would be missed by many, and us parents still have so much to learn.

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  7. Thank you all for the kind words. I was just being a brat when I quit for all of an hour or so. One more lesson in acceptance for me. I can never have too many.

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  8. You say "acceptance" as though you're settling for something.

    Try "celebration". The work you're doing and the life you're living is certainly worthy of it.

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  9. Beg pardon. *are* certainly worthy of it.

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  10. And here I am, methodically reading your blog, still almost 8 years behind! lol

    It's somethng I look forward to every day. :-)

    You may think it's old news, but it new to me.
    :-D

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