Tuesday, October 14, 2008


You disappeared again. I’ve heard the accusation many times. Connecting with an old friend, I swear to myself I won’t do it this time, but chances are, I will. My social needs seem much less pronounced than those of most people I know. Other times I crave companionship, but find myself unable to move toward it, stuck. And the urge passes, I am happy again with solitude.

At parties or gatherings, I am the one at the edge of the property, brushing the grass, arranging the stones. I am the one on the sidewalk, in the street, gone out for something someone might need. I once had a group of friends who tagged me “the stroller.” She’s gone on one of her strolls, they’d say, knowing I’d be back eventually for a few minutes at a time, as much as I could stand.

When I wandered away from this blog, that was accidental. I hadn’t realized how hard I would find the many transitions I had scheduled for September, starting graduate school, starting a new job, moving to a new place. I wandered away from myself this time, and I’m not sure how to get back. Writing Asperger Square 8 is important to me, it’s become a part of my identity and I don’t feel exactly complete without it. Still I wonder how I’ll find the time, and whether or not I have anything left to say. Afraid showing up here at all is akin to making a promise I might not be able to keep.

So I’ll approach it the way I go into a presentation. I never know if it will work or not, if words will be available to grab one by one and assemble into sentences, if those sentences will communicate what I mean. I do it anyway, sometimes telling the people who come to listen, things will go wrong and this is a part of the story. The true picture of what autism means in my life cannot leave out the fluctuations, the disappearing and reappearing of interests and abilities, the uncertainty of so many things. I am here today, and I have something I want to write about later this week. Whether I’ll follow through with that or not or disappear again remains to be seen.

I want to say thank you to everyone who commented here or emailed me to ask if I was okay. I’m sorry I didn’t answer until now. I’m sure I’ve lost some readers; I appreciate those of you who still check this page from time to time. To one faithful reader in particular: Baga! I hope to write again soon.


  1. Hi Bev,

    I was afraid we might have to use all that milk that PETA was condemning to put your pictures on the cartons!

    Great to see you back,

    Jeff Deutsch (an Aspie who could have inspired the song "They Call Me the Wanderer....")

  2. I am so glad you are doing well. Wow. You sure do have lot going on. How exciting that you are starting graduate school.

    I do hope you are able to keep blogging. I would miss your posts.

  3. I don't know what to write here
    but there sure are a lot of stones out there that needs tending to!!!


  4. I missed you, Bev. Glad all is well. Continued good luck with all the transitions and take care of yourself.

  5. Hi, Bev!

    Woah...starting grad school *and* a new job? That's a lot of stuff!

    Get back when you get back (if that makes any sense). I'll be here.

  6. It's okay, transitions are a tough deal and affect everything. Anything to do with 'change' takes a period of adjustment and shuffling a smidge. Once the anxiety dies down and the dawning of 'I can do this afterall' then you may find that you slip back down into a new rhythm, which becomes the new 'doable' pace of life.
    Best wishes

  7. Hi Bev, I hope all these new things go well for you. It is a lot to deal with at once.

    I'd imagine most of your readers will be back whenever you post. I know I will.

    I think of blogs as belonging to their author, and it's their choice to blog as often or seldom as they want or can. For really good ones like this, the readers can just enjoy and be grateful for every post published.

  8. Lovely to see you wander back! :)

  9. Welcome back, Bev! For however long, or however often, you're able to stop by during your new, busy schedule!

    Here's some celebration confetti in one of your favorite shapes:


  10. Hi Bev,
    Good to hear from you.

    I miss you and your post when there are so few of them as there have been lately. Thanks for posting when ever you do.

  11. I am a new reader rather than an old one, but I hope to see you back here. I've enjoyed what I've read so far!

    Best of luck in grad school! It can be a really great place to be. :)

  12. Someone once said, "Paper is patient." (Maybe Anne Frank, or maybe another diarist?) I think the Internet is patient, too.

    No rush. No promises. Do what you have to do, and share only what and when you want. And best wishes in your new adventures!

    Marie S.

  13. Good to see you, glad all is well!

  14. Welcome back. It's good to see you posting again. I hope you feel less stressed soon. I'm sure you will, when all the new stuff becomes routine.

  15. Good to see you back and good luck with that workload.

  16. Hi Bev. You're back just in time to get tagged.

  17. still with you and look forward to new posts as they may come. love to hear your thoughts. completely understand fluctuations and about to enter the exact same situation---grad school, new job, new location.

  18. Well described (the stroller part) as I can relate.

    haha I never missed you. Why? Because I'm soooo far behind reading your blog chronologically that I'm years behind. lol

    -but I keep reading it. Thanks for the Blig Bev.



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